Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. My heart is pounding out of my chest. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’ve taken a shower, swallowed the maximum capacity of Motrin for the day, and I still can’t seem to feel better. I literally just left the doctor’s office. I’m driving home and I have my three year old with me. I have to pull over, I’m going to vomit. Too late, I caught it in my hands. Do I have any wipes? Any paper towels? Oh wait… here it comes again. I run out of the car and make it to the side of the road to empty my minimally filled stomach. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” I hear my half asleep toddler ask in a whisper. I respond as in a protective tone “Mommy, is okay. I just have a tummy ache and my head hurts.” Two days later I ended up in the Emergency room for a migraine that wouldn’t leave. My blood pressure was around 202/120. The E.R. Doctor told me that I was extremely fortunate that I came in when I did, as I almost stroked out! The following day I went to my Primary Care Doctor where I was officially diagnosed with High Blood Pressure in addition to Anxiety (although I know I’ve had Anxiety for the majority of my life).
That was almost three years ago. I’ve since been on Blood Pressure and Anxiety medications. For the most part, both are mostly under control…but certain things can still trigger both my pressure and anxiety. For example, what’s currently happening in our world. The Coronavirus shutdown has definitely played its part in triggering several anxiety attacks in recent weeks. However, writing and keeping myself occupied has always seemed to help me get back to my base.
Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. I repeat that mantra in my head whenever I seem to lose focus. I despise rapid change. Positive change isn’t as disturbing to me; but any change needs an adjustment period. I need to be given huge changes in small increments so that my mind has time to adjust. Also, I thrive off of instant gratification. Knowing the outcome of anything is helpful to me. Our current situation does not provide that. Therefore, I’m definitely struggling a bit. Thankfully, my husband and my children ground me. They are my constant.
Thinking that the car in front of us will suddenly explode, that a random bullet will pierce through my loved one’s bodies while we’re in line at a store; and NOW that I’ll lose a loved one to Coronavirus and won’t be able to give them a proper funeral. These are just some of the thoughts that go through the mind of someone with Anxiety. It’s waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that you won’t see some of your loved ones ever again. It’s debilitating and nauseating.
Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. I’m back to this mantra. I FaceTime call my family, text a few friends, and then focus on my husband and boys. It’s currently a difficult cycle, but I know that this too shall pass. The timeframe, I do not know… but I know that it will.
For everyone else struggling: Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth.
Mommy Dignen Diaries - Holly Dignen 