To my Former NICU baby on Your First Birthday, I’m Sorry we Won’t get to Celebrate

Dear Hunter, It’s the day before your First Birthday Party. At least, it’s the day before it was supposed to be. You were supposed to get to show off your Mickey decorations, open up presents from family, and smash cake in your face. I’m sorry that you won’t get to do that. At least not tomorrow.

Planning birthday parties is one of my favorite things to do. You and your brother have birthdays two days apart, which originally presented a problem. I wanted to make sure you both had separate parties, since this was going to be your first one. I like to dive deep into a theme. Yours was going to be Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, because you love watching Mickey so much. Your eyes light up and you clap your hands every time you see him. It truly melts my heart.

I know you won’t even remember any of this; and in hindsight it’s not that big of a deal… but I will. I will remember that we didn’t get to celebrate how special you are near your actual birthday. You see, you were born under uncertain circumstances last year. You came into this World earlier than expected and tinier than expected. Your birth happened very abruptly (ironically similar to the situation that the World is going through right now). You were rushed to the NICU after birth to be monitored. You were released back to me, and then developed complications. Then back to the NICU you went.

You spent 12 days in the NICU. 12 days where only select family members could visit you. 12 days that you didn’t get to meet your big brother. 12 days in isolation. Those 12 days felt like 12 years to me. I spent half of my days with you and the other half with your brother. I also pumped breastmilk every 3 hours to help build up your immunity. I cried every single day when leaving you. I cried every single day while I was there. I just wanted to take you home. However, I knew that the safest place for you was right where you were. It didn’t make it any easier, but I knew you would be home with me soon enough.

The day I brought you home was truly the day our family was complete. Your big brother Brian, loves you so much, and was so happy to finally hold you. That feeling was euphoric. I was on cloud nine to finally have my beautiful family together.

It’s been one year of laughter, triumphs, milestones, and love. You were the missing puzzle piece that I didn’t realize I needed until you were here. You make our days brighter and filled with joy.

I’m so sorry that we won’t get to celebrate how amazing you are the way that I had planned. I’m sorry that you’re in isolation from external family members once again. I’m sorry that this World is scary and uncertain. But I promise you that the one thing that is certain, is that I love you endlessly. I will protect you as long as I’m alive. You are so special, and I’m thankful that you’re mine. I love you Hunty Bunty. Love, Mommy

Published by mommydignen

Hey "Youse Guys!" I'm a mom of two handsome, smart, and lazy boys. I'm originally from South Philly, PA; but currently reside in Wilmington, DE. I enjoy drinking coffee, scrolling Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and living my best life in my yoga pants. Although I have a Master's Degree in education, I chose to stay home while my kids are little. Crafting is also my jam... thus, Pinterest being one of my main scrolling sites. Writing has always been a solid outlet for me. Need to yell at a boyfriend who broke your heart? Yell at him through the written WORD. Need to mourn a loved one? Get your feelings on a laptop and type away some of the grief. Need to laugh or cry about the ups and downs of motherhood? WRITE IT DOWN!

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