How my Children Saved Me from my OCD

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and shades of purple. Then black, white, and dresses. That’s how my closet was organized for years. There was a special spot for jeans and dress pants as well. I had a precise system for my 60 plus pairs of shoes too. They laid strategically upon shoe racks in order to maintain their shape.

You may be thinking “Okay… but how is that OCD? You might have been just really organized.” The difference is that I would feel physically ill and have a true breakdown when something was out of place. Tears would stream down my cheeks, my chest would get tight, and I would feel extremely nauseous. This happened often after my husband would put the laundry away. So, I either began putting away the laundry or I fixed it when he did.

My daily activities revolved around habitual rituals such as: Setting the volume on an even number, writing my name on the steamed mirrors after a shower, praying/wishing at 11:11 AM every single day, and setting the timer for my TV to go off at exactly 2 hours at bedtime. My brain would tell me that something awful would happen if I didn’t adhere to these rituals. I truly believed that this was how I could control my anxiousness and fate.

Then my first son was born. I wanted to be able to handle everything. I wanted to be able to protect him with my built in safety system of controls… My OCD. Slowly I had to let go of control. I couldn’t keep up with the demands of an infant in addition to maintaining my rituals. Slowly but surely, my obsessive compulsive behaviors dissipated. My son deserved better than a mother consumed in false beliefs.

Eventually my OCD was gone. I stopped focusing on rituals altogether. However, my anxiety moved from the backseat to the driver seat. As my older son grew, I was constantly worried about everything that could go terribly wrong. Eventually, my anxiety led to high blood pressure in addition to more severe migraines than what I had it the past.

One day after almost literally stroking out at age 32, I was given a chance to get ahold of my anxiety, high blood pressure, and migraines as well. I started medication, then eventually therapy, and a better eating lifestyle. It helped for a while. However, anxiety doesn’t just “go away.” I guess having OCD helped cover up a lot of the anxiousness. Then, when it was gone out of necessity, it brought my anxiety to the front.

Anxiety is always there, but it is treatable. It occasionally seeps past the medicine and therapy, but I’m able to clean it up. I’m thankful that my OCD is no longer a factor in my everyday life. However, there are still triggers that I avoid so that I don’t go down that rabbit hole. I enjoy having a clean household, but I no longer stress about how it is done or if it gets done immediately.

Having children allowed me to focus on them more than perfection and rituals. I’m okay with that. I prefer to focus on their laughter, growth, and love. They may cause me to be anxious at times, but I’m thankful that they saved me from a life of seeking perfection that doesn’t exist. I would be searching forever, and believing that ending on an even number would somehow make or break my fate.

There is NO control through rituals. It was a hard pill to swallow, but worth it. Once I realized that; I focused my energy on becoming a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and human being. I choose to made good choices because I want to leave my legacy as an ambassador of goodness, not perfection.

My fate isn’t determined by a ritual, it’s determined by enjoying a fulfilled life with the ones I love.

That’s how my children saved me from my OCD.

The Feeling of Fall

While others dread the ending of Summer; I have always loved the familiarity and the possibility that those cooler temperatures bring. It’s more than apples, pumpkins, and a wardrobe change. It’s the essence of nostalgia. It’s a chance to start fresh with structure and grace.

As a child, the new school year always made me a bit giddy, anxious, and excited. I loved going school supply shopping with my dad; and clothes shopping with my mom.

Memories were made in the preparation of a new school year.

Memories were made in the change of season… in the change of structure… in the change of me.

I missed that feeling so much when I was finished every level of school, that I eventually became a teacher. Every new school year was so exciting. The new faces I was going to watch progress. The new prospects and beginnings. All of it just felt right. Eventually, I decided to stay home when I became a mother, but that nostalgic aroma still invaded my senses every Fall.

Last year when my oldest started Kindergarten, it was such a bittersweet emotion. I felt overwhelmed with excitement for this new chapter in his life, but I also had that same anxiety I felt as a child. “Is he going to fit in okay? Will he fall asleep in the middle of instruction because he still likes naps? Will he be kind? Will he be happy? Will he love school like I did? Or will he struggle?” Thankfully, school was exactly what he needed.

The structure helped with his own anxiety.

The socialization helped him with basic skills in empathy.

The teacher taught him to respect and understand other authoritative figures other than my husband and I.

This year just feels different. It’s empty. There’s this bout of sadness surrounding the circumstances of the new school year. I am trying my hardest to make this school year as special as I can with the cards I have been dealt.. but if I’m being honest, it’s just different.

There really isn’t a right answer regarding the upcoming school year. The only right answer is the one that is closest to that nostalgic feeling… The one that fits your heart and your family just right. Or at least the “next best thing” as Anna from Frozen 2 would say.

If you too are searching for that feeling… That reminder of normalcy as the weather changes, the leaves fall, and endless possibilities of a new beginning…

YOU are NOT alone in your search. I hope we find it.

The Rocking Chair

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue…” I sang, in a newly painted surfer blue nursery; as I rocked and rubbed my rotund belly safely housing my first baby boy.

I rocked back and forth dreaming of what he would look like. I rocked back and forth imagining his sweet little fingers and sweet little toes. I rocked my unborn child in the softest dark grey cotton rocking chair that we purchased with the extra money from our Baby Shower.

I knew that chair had to be comfortable, welcoming, and lasting … for it would be the most used and loved item for both of my children. It would be the place I nursed and bottle fed my babies. The place that I sang lullaby after lullaby as my babies drifted off to sleep between the nook of my arm.

Today, as I rocked my toddler to sleep for his nap, I remembered rocking his older brother in that same chair; singing the same lullabies in addition to a few new ones now. The look on his face as he became more content in his current state of rest, just as his brother did years prior.

The rocking chair is now located in a modern grey colored nursery to match my younger son’s original Mickey Mouse decor. It still looks brand new even though I have rocked both of my baby boys a countless number of times in that chair over the last 6.5 years. My body fits into it perfectly still. There are indentations where my body enveloped into the soft cushions that reserve the memories of every moment I rubbed my finger over the petite noses of both of my boys as I hummed them to slumber.

My older son no longer fits in that rocking chair with me. One day far too soon, his brother won’t either. They will grow bigger, I will grow older, and the chair will remain our constant.

One day my boys will be grown and they may just find me rocking back and forth in that same rocking chair. This time instead of wondering what my sweet boys will look like, I’ll remember their angelic faces squished on my chest, the smell of their baby shampoo, and that feeling of contentment within my soul.

“One day I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where dreams are far behind me…” I will sing out loud, and remember how fast it all went by. I’ll rock back and forth in that rocking chair and be proud of the mother I became and the boys I raised into men.

But for now, I’ll just soak in every ounce of love, cuddles, and snuggles from my precious boys. For I know all too well how quickly babies grow into boys and then into men.

So, I might rock my baby and revel in the curves of his face a tad longer.

Daddy’s Little Girl

“Holly, are you sleeping?” My dad would ask me every night when I was a little girl. This would be after he sang “Daddy’s Little Girl” several times to help me fall asleep. Then I would pretend to fall asleep and whisper “Yes.” My dad would carry me up to my room, tuck me in, and kiss me good night.

Whenever I wasn’t feeling well I could expect a brand new coloring book, with brand new 96 count Crayola crayons. My dad would make sure that I was fully prepared to color beautiful pictures while I healed from whatever ailment I had.

My dad is my superhero. He may not wear a cape, but he does carry a toolbox in his truck. He always has been and always will be. Whenever I need him for anything at all, he doesn’t even hesitate to come to my aide.

Flat tire? My dad comes to the rescue with his tools and a spare tire.

Plumbing issues? My dad assesses the situation and uses his industrial snake drain to rectify the issue.

Starting a new craft business? My dad buys all of my start up supplies and a heat press so that I can focus on my new skills.

Suffering from post partum pre-eclampsia 11 days after giving birth? My dad rubs my head and reassures me that I will be just fine, as the doctors figure out how to lower my blood pressure safely.

Start blogging? My dad reads and likes almost every single post, even though he barely uses social media.

Dads in general don’t always get positive reviews. However, my dad is exceptional. My dad is one of those dads who was just meant to be a dad. He loves my sister and I with his whole being. He spoils all 5 of his grandsons with love, food, and trips to the store to buys toys.

My dad is the kind of dad who will finish an entire puzzle, put together an elaborate toy, and go to the park for a catch or to fly a kite. He makes sure that his complete attention is devoted to his family as much as he possibly can.

When I go to visit my parent’s house, I can expect my dad to make me my favorite dishes. I can actually smell the potatoes o’gratin right now.

He has always been about making the small gestures mean the most for all of us… especially for my sister and I. We are Daddy’s Little Girls after all. He has always been so proud of all of our accomplishments in life. He (along with our mother) is our biggest cheerleader.

So many years have passed since he would sing to me and put me to bed, but I can still hear him singing every time he hugs me.

“You’re sugar, you’re spice. You’re everything nice. And you’re Daddy’s Little Girl.”

10 Tools to Help you Find your Happiness : Mental Health Awareness

We’re all treading water in the middle of the deep blue ocean waiting for a rescue helicopter or ship to save us. However, some of us have rafts, floats, or floating debris to grab a hold of. Then there are some of us constantly using our overly exerted arms and legs to stay afloat. Eventually those without the help of a floating device will succumb to the heat of the sun and the weight of the glistening water.

This is what it’s like to have mental health issues. We are constantly trying to tread the most vast ocean water without a rescue device. Statistically 1 in 5 American adults suffer from mental health illnesses. I am part of that statistic. I am 1 in 5. Anxiety has been haunting me my entire life. As I got older, the weight of the adult world weighed even more heavily on my shoulders. Eventually it began to affect my physical health. Then I decided it was time to get the help that I needed. I finally got my rescue device.

Here are some ways that I have been able to help my mental health thrive, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic:

1. Breathing: I know it seems silly that breathing would help, but correct breathing to help ease the anxiety is extremely important to healing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Keep it at a slow and steady pace. It can help bring your heart rate and/or blood pressure down.

2. Positive people: When you have positive people in your corner, you’re more likely to be positive. The company you keep really does make a huge difference in your mental health. Everyone who I considered a loved one and/or friend is positive. They are supportive of me, my kids, my husband, and they listen when I need to get the bad out of my system. I am also there for them in the exact same way.

3. Hobbies and Positive outlets: I have several hobbies. My main hobby as of right now is writing. Writing has been extensively therapeutic for me. I have made new writer friends, in addition to getting my feelings out on the computer screen. Additionally, I love crafting and creating, especially with my boys.

4. Me time: Whether it’s a walk, a couple of hours binge watching Netflix, a candle lit bath, or a nap… Me time is much needed. When you are a mother of young children you are constantly needed. Your billable hours are 24/7. You get paid in hugs and kisses. As priceless as that is, everyone needs some alone time with themselves. It helps me recharge my brain and energy to be ready for my days ahead.

5. Medicine: If you have an ear infection, you would take antibiotics to treat that infection. If you have diabetes, you would use insulin to balance your blood sugar levels. If you have a mental health illness, you can treat it with anti-depressants and other medications, in addition to therapy. I have been taking Lexapro since the Summer of 2017. It has made a huge difference in how I act around everyone. It has made a huge difference in how I feel as well. Lexapro is one of the medications that has saved my life.

6. Think Positive, Breed Positivity: We are able to choose how we react to others. It is in our control to choose happiness. Negativity takes away irreplaceable time. Time that you could choose to be positive and happy. Focus on the good things in life and more good things will follow.

7. Lists: Something that always helps me when I need to refocus my energy when I may be overwhelmed in my thoughts, is making a list of what I can do around my house or with my family. Lists help me follow a clear plan and focuses on exerting my mental energy into positive tasks.

8. Therapy: While you may not get an in person therapy appointment right now; teletherapy is an imperative tool during our current crisis. Most insurances (if not all) are currently offering FREE mental health appointments. Utilizing a therapist will only benefit you.

9. Healthy Habits: This is the one I’ve struggled the most with lately. Going for a walk/run/ bike ride, etc. is beneficial to your mind and body. If your body feels good, your mind tends to do the same. The same goes for overall healthy eating. Whatever you feed your body, you are also feeding your mind. I have been feeding mine a lot of cheesy breadsticks lately. I’m sure it’s been contributing to my fatigue and other health issues. This one is the hardest for me. It’s kind of a chicken and egg scenario. I usually have to get my mind wrapped around choosing a healthier lifestyle before I can actually do it. However, it’s obviously extra difficult to do that when your mind isn’t functioning at 100% capacity. Nevertheless, when I choose healthier options, I reap the benefits both physically and mentally.

10. Accepting help: I’m one of those strong willed stubborn people who hate asking for and letting others help. However, when I have let someone help in the past, it was truly a Godsend. Sometimes life is just overwhelming and we need help. Guess what? That’s okay! We’re allowed to need help. There is no rule that says we have to get through any of this alone. Help is that life saving device I mentioned earlier. Help will keep you from drowning into the abyss.

The next time you find yourself treading that ocean water remember that there are life rafts, floating debris, and so much more if you just look around. There is help. There are options, and you are not alone treading that water. There are many of us also trying to stay afloat. I hope these tools help you navigate how to ease your mind during the darkness and chaos.

Make happiness a priority, a choice, and filter out the negative. Do not allow negativity to live and thrive.

Old Souls into New Souls (Part 1)

My mom always says that when a baby is conceived and/or born, someone in the same family passes on to Heaven. I think of it as a body exchange with the essence of the soul whose time on Earth has ended. Honestly, I never really bought into that whole superstition. I chalked it all up to coincidence. That is, until it happened to me… twice.

Coming from a large extended family (my mother is the youngest of 10 siblings) there wasn’t a shortage of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Being together and growing up with such a large close knit family is one of my biggest and most treasured blessings. Each family member was/is unique and special in their own way.

All of my aunts were/are like second mothers to me. Whenever I needed an ear to listen, arms to hug, and a heart to care; they were/are always there. My mother’s oldest sister had passed away when I was around two years old. I didn’t get much time with her, but I did get to spend most of my life with my other aunts and uncles.

My husband and I started trying to conceive the Summer of 2013. That was also the Summer that my Aunt Marion (whom I lived with most of my life) got very ill. She had been declining for months. Her coloring changed, and her stomach continued to fill with fluid. She would get out of breath very easily. Eventually she ended up in several care facilities to help with her needs. She had no children of her own; therefore she loved her nieces and nephews like her own… especially my sister and I.

In July 2013, the doctors warned us that my Aunt Marion may not make it to her 81st birthday on August 12th. We all painfully watched as the cirrhosis of the liver was draining her of her strength. She slept more than she was awake. On July 25th we decided to have a birthday party for her in her hospital room, since she most likely would not make it to her actual birthday. Her mind was not fully aware that it wasn’t August. She was just so happy that everyone was there to celebrate her.

The very next day with everyone by her side, (I arrived last because I was at a baptism) she waited to take her last breath until I got there to hold her hand. During her last minutes on Earth, I whispered into her ear “Please ask God for a favor when you arrive. Ask him to send Brian and I, a healthy baby.” Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test.

Although the start of my pregnancy was bittersweet, I know my aunt was watching over all of us. Months had passed and three quarters into my pregnancy with my son Brian Jr, I had severe itchiness on my entire body. The worst were my legs and feet. I didn’t think anything of it, but mentioned it during my next OBGYN visit just incase. The gynecologist had me take a bile salts test. Several days later the results came back. I had a rare pregnancy disease known as Cholestasis of pregnancy. Besides the extreme itchiness, the main concern was that my baby could be stillborn if not delivered prior to 38 weeks.

I informed my family of the situation. My Aunt Gracie called me on the phone and said “Don’t you worry about a thing. The baby is going to be just fine. You are going to be just fine.” Her words sounded like the most calming sounds in nature. She said those words with such confidence. I believed her.

On March 25, 2014 my first son, and new love of my life was born. Brian Jr was a healthy 6 lb baby boy, born via emergency c-section after 29 grueling hours of induced labor. Although his due date wasn’t until April 14, 2014, he arrived perfectly healthy.

While I was home bonding with my new sweet boy and recovering; roughly a week later… both my Aunt Gracie and her husband (my Uncle Joe) ended up in the hospital days apart. However, my Aunt ended up in a coma. A couple weeks had passed, eventually there was no brain activity or improvements. Her children (my cousins) had to make the gut wrenching decision to remove her from life support. On April 14, 2014 I said goodbye for the last time to my unconscious aunt over the phone (I had just come home the day before after visiting her). With tears dripping down my red cheeks I said “I love you, love always, your Honey Bunny… and thank you.”

You may be wondering why I thanked my aunt. It’s my belief that she made a deal with God. I think that in order for my son to live, she offered up her soul. The irony of my son’s due date and my aunt’s death date was more than a coincidence. While I once was skeptical, my own experience with old souls and new souls made me a believer.

My now six year old son, Brian, often displays various mannerisms of both of my aunts. His chin quivers like my Aunt Marion, and he often hums like my Aunt Gracie. Although he has never met either of my aunts, I somehow feel like he has. They are a part of him. They are a part of me. Thankfully, I believe my mom was right all along.

We Waited Five Years to Have our Second Baby, Because our First was so Strong-Willed

When I was younger, and dreamed of being a wife and mother; I always wanted a big family. I wanted a minimum of five kids. After all, my mother is the youngest of ten children.

Years passed and I met my husband. He wanted however many kids that I wanted. After several years of teaching pre-Kindergarten and Kindergarten, I decided that three kids would be ideal… and more than enough to handle.

In August 2013 my husband and I learned that we were expecting! We were both ecstatic. In November 2013 we bought our own home, and prepared it for our first baby boy. In February 2014 I learned that I had a pregnancy condition called Cholestasis. It’s a rare pregnancy condition where bile salts leak into your placenta and could cause a stillbirth. I was monitored bi-weekly and I was induced 3 weeks early to insure my son’s safety.

My first beautiful boy was born in March 2014. Although I had been around children my entire life, it was completely different than having one of my own. It was a learning curve for my husband and I. He didn’t want to overstep, and I didn’t know what to tell him I needed. To say that it put a strain on our perfect marriage, is putting it lightly. We all struggled to find our new normal. It took time and patience.

Brian Jr on the day he was born. March 2014.

It took us both several years to even think about trying for another baby. I went from wanting five babies to wanting one and done. Our son is and was extremely strong-willed. When he wants something he doesn’t give up. That will serve him well in his future career, but as his parent, it’s exhausting. He has this infectious personality that draws everyone near. However, he also knows how to wear my husband and I down.

For mine and my husband’s mental health and relationship, we waited a little longer in between for our second baby. We know now that our family is complete; and we’re happy with our two handsome and healthy boys. Would I have had our second sooner now knowing what I know? Definitely not. I love their age gap. It gives me sanity, and it works for our family.

Our now six year old’s personality (which we love) brightens our souls; but at the time his persistent toddler attitude was draining us. Once my son entered preschool and was able to get out more energy with friends, as well as having additional authoritative figures in his life; it was easier for us to picture having another little human in our lives. We wanted to give him a sibling to love and to play with. We just knew it was finally time.

Two days before my older son’s 5th birthday, he received the biggest birthday gift ever… his baby brother. This time it wasn’t new to me or my husband. This time we both knew exactly what needed to be done. Also, this time we had an extra helper, our older son. He is an amazing big brother and has shown us how much he loves his little brother.

My boys and I

While, my six year old’s perseverance to keep us on our toes continues to be challenging; he has also proven to be an empathetic and caring big brother. We have discussed his role as big brother often. He always says (in reference to our one year old) “I know, I know… I will always protect him.” My one year old is one hundred percent smitten with his big brother. I’m so thankful that we decided to wait a little longer in between children. For us, it was the perfect age gap. Our family is now complete.

The mind of Anxiety: Deep Breaths… in Through the Nose, out Through the Mouth

Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. My heart is pounding out of my chest. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’ve taken a shower, swallowed the maximum capacity of Motrin for the day, and I still can’t seem to feel better. I literally just left the doctor’s office. I’m driving home and I have my three year old with me. I have to pull over, I’m going to vomit. Too late, I caught it in my hands. Do I have any wipes? Any paper towels? Oh wait… here it comes again. I run out of the car and make it to the side of the road to empty my minimally filled stomach. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” I hear my half asleep toddler ask in a whisper. I respond as in a protective tone “Mommy, is okay. I just have a tummy ache and my head hurts.” Two days later I ended up in the Emergency room for a migraine that wouldn’t leave. My blood pressure was around 202/120. The E.R. Doctor told me that I was extremely fortunate that I came in when I did, as I almost stroked out! The following day I went to my Primary Care Doctor where I was officially diagnosed with High Blood Pressure in addition to Anxiety (although I know I’ve had Anxiety for the majority of my life).

That was almost three years ago. I’ve since been on Blood Pressure and Anxiety medications. For the most part, both are mostly under control…but certain things can still trigger both my pressure and anxiety. For example, what’s currently happening in our world. The Coronavirus shutdown has definitely played its part in triggering several anxiety attacks in recent weeks. However, writing and keeping myself occupied has always seemed to help me get back to my base.

Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. I repeat that mantra in my head whenever I seem to lose focus. I despise rapid change. Positive change isn’t as disturbing to me; but any change needs an adjustment period. I need to be given huge changes in small increments so that my mind has time to adjust. Also, I thrive off of instant gratification. Knowing the outcome of anything is helpful to me. Our current situation does not provide that. Therefore, I’m definitely struggling a bit. Thankfully, my husband and my children ground me. They are my constant.

Thinking that the car in front of us will suddenly explode, that a random bullet will pierce through my loved one’s bodies while we’re in line at a store; and NOW that I’ll lose a loved one to Coronavirus and won’t be able to give them a proper funeral. These are just some of the thoughts that go through the mind of someone with Anxiety. It’s waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that you won’t see some of your loved ones ever again. It’s debilitating and nauseating.

Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth. I’m back to this mantra. I FaceTime call my family, text a few friends, and then focus on my husband and boys. It’s currently a difficult cycle, but I know that this too shall pass. The timeframe, I do not know… but I know that it will.

For everyone else struggling: Deep breaths… in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Silver Lining: Finding the Good

The Coronavirus has taken its toll on so many things in my life. It’s robbed me of my village, my family, and my friends. It has taken away the remainder of my 6 year old’s first year in School. It has stripped my 1 year old of celebrating his very first birthday without the people who love him, like my parents.

On a global scale, it has ripped apart families through death and separation. It has destroyed economies and killed small businesses. People are trying to survive on their Savings (if they were lucky enough to have one to begin with). Some people aren’t so lucky and have lost everything. This virus does not discriminate. It spreads so quickly and stealthily.

With all of the sadness and uncertainty happening, there has been some positivity. There has been some silver linings throughout this awful nightmare.

My silver lining is that I was able to truly begin writing. I have wanted to start a blog for a while now. However, I didn’t have the motivation or direction. When the Coronavirus forced the shutdown of everything; it also helped give me a purpose. I wanted to bring my words, experience, and love to as many people as possible. I have terrible anxiety; and being able to write my thoughts down has helped keep it in check. Additionally, I have an extensive amount of topics to write about. I’m also able to use those topics to help others.

The global silver lining is that waterways are clearing, the Earth is healing, and animals are given the chance to roam freely in certain areas that they haven’t been able to before. People are finding ways to connect without physically connecting. We are training our brains to think outside of the box. We also have more respect for healthcare workers, teachers, delivery personnel, grocery stores workers, and other Essential workers.

Our eyes and minds are being opened to different possibilities. Some families are connecting in ways that they haven’t been able to in a very long time. They’re taking hikes, playing board games, experiencing nature, and so much more.

Outside dinner and fire pit.
Family nature walk.
Family Board game night.
Dying Easter Eggs
Family hike!

If you look for the good you will find it. I’ve decided that it’s time to look for the good. If you want to find some extra good and funny, check out the TikTok app. I have seen countless teens and their parents dancing together, joking, building things, and so much more.

I’ve witnessed food donations, neighborhood No Contact Easter Bunnies, cloth masks being made and donated to healthcare workers, teachers going above and beyond to make this as normal as possible for their students, and so much more. There is so much good out there. Sometimes we just have to put on our positivity lenses, and look a little harder… but I promise, it’s there.

Drinking with Scissors donated all of these masks that they made for healthcare workers.
Drive by birthday Santa surprise!
Food donation!
No Contact Easter Bunny

Dear Husband, Thank You for Everything You Do

Dear Husband, Thank you! You are always picking up where I left off. Even when you only had two hours of sleep, you still get your work done during the day, do your part around the house, and spend time with the boys. In these uncertain and desperate times, this is the consistency that I need.

I know sometimes I seem agitated, but I promise you it’s not because of you. I’m frustrated with the situation. I miss my family, friends, and normalcy. This has nothing to do with you. If anything, you are my normal; and sometimes because of that you get the brunt of my frustration.

You know when I need more wine, a shower, and a break. You know when I need you to clean up after dinner; and to do the laundry because I honestly have forgotten about it, since we have all been living in our pajamas most of the days.

When we run out of medicine, food, and any other necessities, you just go and get what we need (while wearing the mask I made you). You don’t even question whether it should be me or you who goes. You are perfectly fine with being the one exposed to protect all of us.

You made sure the boys had presents for their birthdays and Easter. I may have set up their birthday celebrations at home, but you did the hard part. On Easter eve, I was stuck in bed under our one year old and my head was pounding. You relieved me so I could get some medicine and feel better. Afterward (with almost no sleep) you finished putting the boys’ Easter baskets together and hiding the eggs.

You are my constant. Are you perfect? Far from it; but you’re my puzzle piece. You fit with me perfectly. We have certainly had our ups and downs, but throughout it all, it’s been you and me. We have been through a lot in the past 10 years together. Our struggles have only made us stronger as a couple and as a team.

It has never been your words that showed me that you love me. It has always been your actions. It’s the little things, like sending me a sweet message, buying my favorite wine so I can relax, and always being my shoulder to cry on. It’s doing what needs to be done when I am completely and utterly burnt out; all without me having to ask. Although this took time for us both to figure out, I believe we have a groove now.

Thank you! Thank you for being YOU. You are exactly who I need right now when everything else is uncertain. I love you.

Love, Your ever so grateful Wife